Medieval consultant jargon

Buzzwords and marketing speak is not really a new trend. Anywhere in history where people have met, there has always been a desire for one to abash the other. It’s a power game; to show off how strong, smart and up-to-date you are. Not different to a medieval knight fighting for honour and pride; or for his Lady-to-be.

At the castle of Carcassonne in south France, we enjoyed an extraordinary staging of a medieval tournament mingled with a contemporary buzzword bingo game.

french knightAfter a three day horse-ride from the Spanish village of Ac Quisition, Knight Ac Centure arrived unannounced at the gate of the castle. A tower guard guided the horse to the stables.

‘Bring me to Knight Basic’, visitor Ac Centure said to the young girl who welcomed him. The junior sidekick started her career at the Harvard castle and thus carried an impressive business card: Miss Analysis Paralysis, Senior Global Business Development Analyst, M.Sc., MBA, PMP, ITIL. She sensed that this was not a friendly visit so she quickly tweeted ‘Ac Centure arrived – get Board, lawyers, auditors & consultants 2gether’. Through the newest graphic interface technology, the message was pictured on the great clay wall in the Boardroom in the west wing of the castle. That’s where the two Knights will meet.

‘I am bringing you thought leadership for enhanced development of your reign’ the visitor said. ‘Cross functional collaboration of our mutual virtual teams is the future to drive your bottom line growth. On this USB stick I have prepared a RACI-matrix and an SLA; together with big data and more snackable content. This is best of breed.’

‘Welcome colleague’, Lord Basic said while sipping his Starbucks coffee. ‘What is the purpose of your visit, you say?’

‘Well in a nutshell, as I just said, I am here to suggest we tap on our war chest. Get your soldiers and servants ready and make your smith to print daggers, shields and axes. I assume you have a 3D-printer? We together should take over the empire of Knight McKinsey and our JV will bring new leadership. A paradigm shift, my noble friend! SAP hosted CRM will be in our toolbox with key emphasis on market segmentation and multi-channel campaigns. We’ll also bring in Five-Sigma (Ed. a 12th century version of) and battlefield metrics 2.0. To achieve our innovation goals, we’ll implement gamification tactics. With your permission, I will appoint Analysis Paralysis as the COO of our joint territories; reporting to me. She’ll start with the quick-wins; introducing centres of excellence, competency development of the foresight troupes, peasant engagement surveys, diversity compliance policies and stretching bonus targets. Then she will strategize on creating aggregate growth. You see, I have it all under control. It will all be bigger, better and faster. And what is more; the full plan is backed by major London venture capitalists and by my Spanish advisors from Del Oitte.  Oh, and there is also a draft Green Sustainability Report on the stick. So? Are we on the same page to move forward?’

‘Move forward?’ Lord Basic replied. ‘What moves here are your lips. Even a bombardon-like sound comes out but yet, content?   The next thing that’ll move is your butt. But to say it in your language, excellent presentation my friend, world class idea generation and unique conceptualisation of a low-risk high-yield strategy. For you; with my resources. I’ll think about it and will put it on the agenda of our next executive steering committee; we’ll set up a video conference should we have further questions.

Analysis Paralysis, can you please guide friend Ac Centure to the south gate. Take the lift so he can dive deeper, drill down, catch the low-hanging fruit, run the numbers and move the needle. And once arrived at the courtyard, he can think outside of the box.’

Picture credits: www.hyperscale.com
Image | This entry was posted in business ethics, buzzwords, communication, consulting, corporate speak, leadership and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Medieval consultant jargon

  1. Pingback: Find the 3 differences -clear communication | Great business life stories

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s